Max Daniels

What is this Wayfinding? It's a series of experiments with Martha Beck's "technologies of magic," as described in her book Finding Your Way in a Wild New World." They are Wordlessness, Oneness, Imagination, and Forming. We do the experiment together!

Coincidences (possible signs of Forming):

Martha sent a book club guide recently that included a suggestion for "spotting success." She says "pick a symbol as a fun confirmation that [you're] on the right track (could be anything). Be playful and light about it and identify it and let it go. Report back when it shows up."

I noticed I had trouble committing to a symbol right away. So I put my hand into a pile of pictures I'd ripped from magazines after our session with Lisa Sonora Beam (by the way, she gives a description of much of what we did together at Brooke's mastermind in her blog post about writing in cafes), and I pulled out a picture of…

a chandelier! Ok, that's… weird. As a symbol. But fine. Chandeliers don't pop up everywhere, so I shall be on the lookout.

Another: I'm entering into my third decade of meeting people in real life that I've previously only known online. These meetings can be… awkward. Or not! Sunday I met such a group of people (localish types from Havi Brooks's Floating Playground) and it was lovely.

One of the group is moving to Taos because her aunt has a house there. And so now I have two friends with aunts with houses in Taos that they don't live in but let their nieces use at length. And Taos is, as you know, just about the best place on earth.  Even with the closure of La Lana (sob! I may never get over that).

Once upon a time, hearing that a friend had a free place in Taos for six months would have occasioned agonizing jealousy in me. Now it sparks real pleasure. Happiness for them, and a little squeal of ooooh! I want that, too! Jealousy is just more evidence of possibility. So that's a coincidence and something I'm...

Imagining

1. a visit to Taos. 

2. A hardcover copy of Women Who Run with the Wolves. Surely I am the only middle-aged female from Boulder, Colorado who has not read this book yet. (It's time.) I saw a copy in Seven Stars, the local hippie/spiritual bookshop, but it had the most annoying underlining in it. Have you ever noticed how other people's underlines are just … well, not what you would underline. Anyway, I'm thinking surely the world is full of hardcover copies of this book, right? 

[UPDATE: Amazon says yes. I just ordered a copy. MAGIC.]

But I think this book is a stand-in for permission. Permission to be wild or free in some way. Something is working its way closer to the surface. It partially bubbled up this week around a family situation I felt unjustly blamed for. It's sort of… Oh, I don't know. Some mix of sovereignty, might, fury, and, in a funny way, modesty and simplicity. I'm just watching right now, really. Letting it percolate. We'll see.

3. Surprise and delight. A really long time ago, when she was just a comic from Utah, I saw Roseanne Barr do standup at the Boulder Reservoir picnic grounds. (Jill Sobule also performed that afternoon, also before she was well-known. Kind of a red-letter day, really.) Roseanne did her domestic goddess routine, made a joke about women who eat so little they can't finish an apple, and other things that made us all laugh, but then she started talking about people who didn't like her. People who thought she was kind of masculine. I can hear her irritable, sarcastic drawl right now. 

She said, "if people don't think I'm feminine enough, well then they can just suck my dick."

I was so startled. Briefly stunned. And delighted! I laughed so hard. My brain just adores that sensation, of meeting something utterly unexpected, very unusual, and thoroughly delightful. I would really like more of that in my life.

In a way, I kind of live for that sensation, even while a big part of me, as is true for all of us, is forever trying to manage life by making it predictable or telling me that "this" is 99% like "that" and is not worth paying attention to. It's… awareness, basically. And right now I am looking … to Will Smith for my dose of delight. Yep. Men in Black III. I like my chances for unpredictable doses of delight there. 

(Also, for Mother's Day I received a copy of Seth Grahame-Smith's Unholy Night. I read the first chapter last night and it was very exciting. Further possibilities for surprise there, for sure.)

Updates on past experiments:

Actual wayfinding: Martha Beck does a quarterly call for all her certified coaches, and it's happening this Friday. We're going to talk technique. The nitty-gritty. Excited! Will bring back something for you.

I had wanted more being with my people, and I got to be with Floating Playground people Sunday. Lovely! 

Also less mulery. I had a very mulery-free weekend: lounging, reading, eating of cake, meeting friends old and new, champagne, gifts, naps, romance. And that leads to a Monday-morning pileup of undone work. Oh, the mythical work-life balance! In what enchanted land can it be found? Lead me there…

I have been looking at health and diet. And I made my first drinkable green smoothie. (An adequate blender is essential. If you're hoping to get away with a cheap blender, well, I tried it too. It can't be done.) It was drinkable also because I gave in and added fruit. But this is a temporary measure! I declare my intention to wean myself off the fruit.  

Oh! And I have two new clients, both of them people I am very thrilled about working with. Yay!

Your turn

If you're doing a similar wayfinding experiment, or reading Martha's book and want to talk about it, get in touch! My email is right here on this page. And you can sign up for my newsletter, in which I further speculate, report on my reading, and give away some fantastic tools and offer coaching, teaching, and the like.

What is this Wayfinding? It's a series of experiments with Martha Beck's "technologies of magic," as described in her book Finding Your Way in a Wild New World." They are Wordlessness, Oneness, Imagination, and Forming. We do the experiment together!

Coincidences (perhaps Forming?): 

• Here's the best one. I'm writing this from Sacramento. I've been here all weekend with Brooke Castillo, who does a yearly mastermind group for her certified coaches. On the way out of Boston, I ran into a fellow Zen student of my teacher, Cheri Huber, at the airport, who turns out to be another Brooke Castillo coach, although neither of us knew this about the other. To put a cherry on top, the airline had seated us right next to each other. So fun!
   
• I am not a folktale person, but I read the same story twice this week, one about a woman whose husband comes home from war a changed man. She asks a shaman how to restore their love, and he tells her that he can do it, but he needs her to get a whisker from a living tiger. I first read this in Eating by the Light of the Moon, a book (which I highly recommend) about how myth and story show us how to heal eating issues, and then in The Story Factor, a book about using story to engage and influence. I'm thinking about the live tigers in my life. You?  
   
• And one more: my mother's family name, a perfectly normal English name, is considered by my husband to be "antique" and outlandish. I love to collect instances of public spaces with that name, just to demonstrate its perfect regularness. It's one of very few areas where I prefer being "normal," so it was a pleasure to see a large road in Sacramento with our name on it. 

Imagining:

You know, I think I keep finding ever more amped-up ways of saying this, but here's what I'm imagining. I'm totally imagining changing my entire life. Total transformation. Reorientation. More joy, more pleasure, less mulery. (That's a word I made up. It means treating yourself like a mule. Please feel free to use it, especially in service of avoiding mulery. You're welcome!) 

Hey, let's go crazy and say "no mulery." Just while we're in there.

Here's an example: I grew up in the Rockies. If you wanted to go to the beach, you had to drive all the way to Texas. Now I live an hour from the beach. Do I ever go? Never. Too busy muling myself. That must change. It's only May, almost Juneuary, which is to say fucking freezing here in New Blighty, but so what? I'm going to the beach! Want to go? Call me. I especially like to be there for sunset.

More being with my people. (See below about the Brooke Castillo mastermind weekend.) I live for being with my people, being in deep connection with them. I need moremoremoremoremore. The phone ain't enough, which you already know if you've ever been hugged by Christie Inge. 

Being with my kids. I have a kid heading to college. College, people! Just like every other parent before me, I never believed it would happen. My relationship with this one has been fuh-raught! I don't know what's even possible. I just want to be open to whatever she's open to.

Better health. I don't feature myself giving up torchio and polenta cake forever, but I do want to tune in to what food feels good in my body, with sharper awareness. I envision a lot of experimentation, and I am going to be working with Lisa Spencer, a wellness coach. 

So there will be more about this, but for now, just so you know, you can lose a ton of weight (50+ pounds), keep it off for years, be a weight loss coach, and still have lots to learn about food. That is life. 

More travel. Ha ha I went to Paris and now I'm spoilt forever! I'm so planning my next trip back. And that brings me to…

Sturdier finances. They're not weak now - but they're not where I envision them, either. Thus, as previously promised, I am raising rates on coaching. Soon. 

Could you use some coaching? Don't let me tell you you do if you don't, but if you do, your timing's good.

Finally, I'm hiring a coach. I have a wonderful coach buddy from my Martha Beck training, Colleen Troy. She is intuitive and smart and creative and is forever pulling some insanely effective tool out of her hat that she just made up on the spot. And we're kind of passing the same mile marker together. I need someone who's all of that and way out ahead of me, too. So, hiring someone! I'm excited about that.

Updates on past experiments: 

• Awesome news! I have been working at moving away from my day job doing web analytics. It's now official that I will be working halftime at Harvard starting September 1. (Wait! Will I get Labor Day off paid? Note to Mrs Pilkington: find out.)
   
• I had never ever in a million years wanted to be a certified Brooke Castillo coach. Never. I'm sick to fucking death of earning credentials. (Someday soon I will tell you the story of my Wellesley degree - summa cum laude, not coincidentally - and how many years it took me to earn it.)
  
  I did and do, however, want to spend every moment I possibly can in Brooke's presence, learning everything I possibly can from her. She is a kickass ass-kicker from way back. Nothing is more liberating than listening to her tell you the truth in her sugar-free, maximum-intensity, totally uncontrived way. So when I finished her weight coach training, and she told the class we had about six minutes to meet the (very stringent, in case you had doubts) requirements for certification if we wanted to be this year's mastermind, I threw everything into high gear without regard for my vehicle.
  
  First I bought my ticket and booked the room. (As one does, naturally.) Then I coached more than a dozen people in the space of a few days. I recorded all and edited half of those sessions, and recorded a video, and took an exam, and heard from Brooke that I'd been certified about 40 minutes before I needed to leave for the airport.
   
• And it was nothing, the effort, compared to what I received. I live for the experience of being around people like Brooke Castillo, and the other coaches whose brilliance I soaked in: Susan Hyatt, Jackie Gartman, Sarah Wagner Yost, Christie Inge, Bev Aron… My people! I live for being with my people. I want to spend a lot more time doing it. 

Your turn!

I've turned off comments, because I noticed I was hoping people would comment. You know what? That's a crappy place to be. If you're missing the comments, apologies.

If you're doing a similar wayfinding experiment, or reading Martha's book and want to talk about it, get in touch! My email is right here on this page. And you can sign up for my newsletter, also right on this page, in which I further speculate, report on my reading, and give away some fantastic tools and offer coaching, teaching, and the like.

What is this Wayfinding? It's a series of experiments with Martha Beck's "technologies of magic," as described in her book Finding Your Way in a Wild New World." They are Wordlessness, Oneness, Imagination, and Forming. We do the experiment together!

Coincidences this week

1. Guam! When I was 12 my best friends moved to Guam. I never heard from them again, and I think of them often. Then I had a high school friend, who, unusally, moved to Boulder from Guam. (A fabulous woman.) This week it's come up twice out of the blue (no connection with my friends, sadly). So I will be alert for messages and clues about Guam, which, back in the chilly landlocked Rocky Mountain day, was a symbol of spaciousness, warmth and freedom.

It has been amazing cold here in New Blighty this spring (although I trust it will soon be unbearably hot). Same in Paris and London. So perhaps I still think of Guam in this way. Or perhaps I will find a reason to visit...

2. The other thing that's cropped up and been cloned everywhere is pictures of people's feet. Specifically, lovely sun-baked feet crossed and propped up in front of a scene of rare beauty: Cappadoccia, Half Dome, oceans, meadows, etc. Now what's the message here? Sure, the Beauty of Nature. Sure, the Power of Doing Nothing.

But also, I think we can agree, the Need for a Pedicure. 

Imagining

Here's what I'm holding in my imagination pretty much all the time right now: sovereignty. Acting on my own behalf. Living my life in accordance with internal guidance. Being "married to this thing inside me" that always knows, as Byron Katie says.

I am imagining being utterly free of taking action for the sake of "looking good." 

Also, I am imaginging asking for what I want, even when I know it is in conflict with what other people want. This is extremely difficult for me. And it is perhaps the most important skill a person with food and eating issues can develop.

Update on past experiments

Well, I've been working on attuning to inner guidance the whole time I've been doing this experiment. And I see I'm not really measuring how that's going. It's easier to say, Yep, went to Paris! Yep, got a reservation at Ko! (Not true yet, by the way.) It's harder to say, Yep! Sure am married to this "thing inside me." I'd like to figure out a way to get a bead on that.

I had said I wanted to have a trip to Paris and London that were not scouting trips for a future holiday, but were in themselves satisfying. And that happened, although I also saw a certain inevitable inability to Do it All, and the equal inevitability of the New York Times writing about what not to miss in London right after you get back. And feeling a certain pleasure in saving something for next time, and looking forward to that. It's nice to have reasons to go back, to deepen your acquaintance, to have your particular vacation spots. So I lost my "I'll do it later" attitude but am not stressing about what I didn't do. That's a good place.

And I had said that I wanted to be certified as a weight coach by Brooke Castillo in time for her annual certified coaches' get-together. It is this weekend. I am going! And I have one more requirement ahead of me, which is a video. It will be quick and dirty, and it will be shot tomorrow afternoon. I will post it here.

And I still don't have a chalkboard. And I still want one.

Your turn!

I would be honored for you to join me in this experiment. You can use this place to report results, ask questions, and make observations. If you want to tell us about successes, we will celebrate! If you want feedback, you'll have to ask for it very specifically, because advice won't be thrust impertinently on you here.

As always, you needn't do any of those things. You can experiment in private, and we will still be doing this together.

What is this Wayfinding? It's a series of experiments with Martha Beck's "technologies of magic," as described in her book Finding Your Way in a Wild New World." They are Wordlessness, Oneness, Imagination, and Forming. We do the experiment together!

Week 14! That means two things: I've now been doing this for more than a quarter of a year and 2. I've skipped week 13. I assure you, it was on account of my vacation, not superstition.

Imagining

Saving this for last. See below.

Coincidences (possible signs of Forming):

Mushrooms! As a child of the 70s, I've always loved mushrooms as a decorative motif. But even I, who keep my eyes peeled for them, was surprised by how many giant arty mushrooms were sprouting all over Paris - in shops, gardens, museums.

And bistros, of course. We had a stupendous mushroom soup (L'ami Jean, which I recommend). This arrived as a soup plate of croutons, the teeniest dice of raw carrot I've ever seen, frizzled green onions and chopped salted nuts. We goggled at that for a few minutes before the soup itself arrived, a creamy mushroom thing poured from a silver coffeepot. It would not be an exaggeration to say I was ravished. (Paris, people! OMG.)

Updates on past experiments:

I had wanted a lovely and quintessential experience in both Paris and London, and I put together a rapid list of 20 things I wanted to do and see. Weirdly and inexplicably, one of them was a Penguin donkey. And I saw one, without even seeking it out! It was in a little shop called Margaret Howell (34 Wigmore Street, London). It's a clothing shop with a small hand-crafted line, but they also stock a wonderful selection of design books, particularly about the book arts, that I've never seen in the US. If you are in London, I recommend this beautiful little place. (And their silk shirts, oh yes, which caused a spot of bother at the VAT refund window at Heathrow, but two very nice Egyptian ladies ("We've been here for a month, and we have done a lot of shopping," they confided) helped me get through the red tape.)

We had all wanted to go up in the Eye, and it was thrilling. (Husband: "You can see my old school from here!") The cheeses at Borough Market were swoonworthy; Mrs King's pork pies, although recommended by Lucky Peach, less so. I guess we're not really pork pie people, although you'd think it was in the genes.

And I visited Liberty three times, once with daughter to get the exact same shirt I had bought for myself. Ha! She didn't even want to dress twinsy at age three, so that was rather exciting.

We found a wonderful cheese shop and cafe in Marylebone, La Fromagerie, where we met a Cambridge neighbor who was at the London book fair. It was oddly homey and cosmopolitan to see him there. Especially in his handsome tweed suit. 

And then Paris. Well! We stayed in a two-story apartment, one level of which was a Roman crypt. It was two doors down from - oh, I know everyone who goes to Paris will say And there was this amazing bakery, it was so delicious and so beautiful! - but really, ours was, and it was just right there: Boulangerie Bruno Solques, corner of Rue St. Jacques and Rue des Ursulines. Handmade, a little hippie-ish, most unorthodox, crazy delicious - really just my thing.

And I've told you about L'ami Jean, the Basque place we saw written up everywhere. It had serious service and a lot of Anglophone customers and some quite off-color framed drawings of… well, never mind! It was delicious and meaty and both homey and showy and I recommend it to you. We had another spectacular - by which I mean it was a vrai spectacle in addition to being hugely delicious - meal. This second big night out was at Les Papilles ("The Taste Buds"), which looked a lot like a cramped specialty food shop with a zinc bar. If I tell you we had pork and beans, it will be hard to persuade you that they were unbelievable pork and beans. But they were.

Then Les Papilles topped itself by turning out to be a very sought-after reservation, which our host (the very kind Robert Reuter of Paris Latin Quarters) had already arranged for us. We had thought it was just a nice neighborhood place. Now I am experiencing the joy of having been there even more greatly, knowing it is desired by others. And that's where I guess I say "See how I am?"

Now I am ready for imagining...

Africa! Yes. I want to go on one of Martha Beck's African STARs. I told my lovely coach friend and colleague Donna Kramer about this imagining a few hours ago, thinking I wouldn't tell anyone else just yet. 

And now I am telling everyone. Ha! See how I am?

How can this happen? It costs like $10,000. For one person. How?! I don't know! I just know it's not impossible, because I decided to question my belief in "impossibility" a couple weeks ago, just like my Zen teacher suggests one question every other belief. ("Question everything, believe nothing, don't take anything personally.")

Your turn!

I would be honored for you to join me in this experiment. You can use this place to report results, ask questions, and make observations. If you want to tell us about successes, we will celebrate! If you want feedback, you'll have to ask for it very specifically, because advice won't be thrust impertinently on you here.

As always, you needn't do any of those things. You can experiment in private, and we will still be doing this together.

I have some scripts to help you refuse food without scorching any earth - your own, or your family's.

They're a little late for Easter or Passover, but have you noticed how, for us food people, the special occasions don't really ever stop coming? I feel sure there will be an opportunity to use these emergency-eating techniques sometime soon. And if not, you can use the time to practice so that when you whip them out at Thanksgiving, you'll sound totally natural.

So here are some phrases to use when turning down food from important friends or relations - people whose feelings you don't want to hurt. (And just know that we're going to treat the topic of whether it's possible to hurt anyone else's feelings at a future date. You will guess that I think the answer is "No. Not possible.") Here you are:

• You know you've spoilt me for life, right? I think I have already broken the ecstasy meter, but thank you.
• Thank you, but I'm not hungry. I love your food, but I love you even more. And I'm really here for your company.

It may be a little different if we're talking about people you don't love - perhaps co-workers or clients; people not of your innermost circle. Even so, you may think you have social obligations or reasons to eat. For those occasions, you might try these phrases:

• Thank you, but the doctor wants me to cut back on X, and I want to be able to report my good behavior to her.
• You know, I think I might be developing a sensitivity to X. I'd better not.
• Thank you, but I've got a yoga class in an hour. 
• You know I'm really not hungry! I just really wanted to see you. 

Or, and this is my favorite:

• I'm experiment with something new: I'm only eating when I'm hungry. It's amazing. I've lost a fair bit of weight, too. Want to hear more?

If you think it's "too weird" not to eat, and will draw attention, try it out. 

See what it feels like to get the attention. I mean, really feel it. And compare that to the feeling of food in your body that it didn't want.

See how much attention you really get, and compare that with your worst fears. 

Or think about how much you really think about other people. In truth, most of what we think about when we think about other people is imagining what they think about us. And that's not really thinking about other people. That's thinking about ourselves. 

Which, on the whole, is what others are doing. Thinking about themselves.

Remembering that basic fact about people is what enables me to get by on just one phrase now. It starts with "No" and ends with "thanks." And there's nothing in between. 

And I can't even tell you the last time that phrase presented a problem for someone. Because if it did, it wasn't about me and I didn't notice. Which is a great place to be. 

I would love to see you there with me.

Now as I was writing this, Martha Beck was publishing a piece on shame and What Everyone Thinks. I've given you some go-to phrases; Martha will give you an extra dose of perspective. Enjoy!